You don’t get to my age without having had your heart broken a few times. Im not just talking about the loss of a lover or the end of a relationship. There is also the unrequited love for a pop star, the day that your daughter fails her exam or gets her heart broken for the first time. The death of a friend or the end of a career. Love is always portrayed as the connection between two lovers, but in reality it is so much more than that.
My heart broke the day that I realised that I was not invincible. The love affair that I had with the person I thought I was, just died. The mask fell off and what it left underneath was frightening. I had to force myself to fall in love with this new person. All her faults were right there on show, her vulnerabilities disgusted me.
Sometime ago as I was going through a rather horrible relationship breakdown, my friend was planning her wedding. She looked me in the eye and apologised for being happy and in love. what I told her and what I always believe to be true, helped me to love the broken, vulnerable woman behind the mask.
Never apologise for being in love. Never do anything if it isn’t for love, because if it all comes crashing down, you can say; “it wasn’t for nothing, it was for love”
So, I had to love the broken woman. It wasn’t all for nothing, it was for love!
As you do after a trauma and a huge self realisation, I sought the advice of gurus and online ‘experts’. I read self help books and blogs about finding yourself. To be honest most of them were trotting out the same old crap. Some were interesting but not really very practical or sustainable in the real world. And of course, a woman of my age lives very firmly in the real world. They did teach me one thing though; it was definitely time for change. I had a purpose, I set about creating my new life much the same as I would have gone about branding a product, but I did it with love.
I don’t know if you have seen the Modern Love series on Amazon Prime Video yet. If you haven’t, I highly recommend it (make sure you have tissues). anyway, one of the characters said; “Dawn is for lovers and bakers”. I thought that was quite romantic, although my friend who is a baker will tell you dawn is not so romantic, especially in the winter.
I bring this up because it made me think back to the time that I was making changes and learning to love myself. I was quite often up at dawn, often the enormity of it all meant that I just couldn’t sleep. I would write lists, plan a synopsis for a novel I wanted to write. Often I would cry at the injustice of it all.
Always, I was alone at that time of the morning, just me and my thoughts, processing my raw emotions and planning the future. That sounds a lot like the beginnings of a love affair …